Survivor Read online

  “Sleeping in his own bed tonight, he says.” I shrugged, my eyes going to the floor. “We’ll see. He can always slip back in with us if he needs to. We’ll leave the doors open so we can hear him if he has a nightmare.”

  “We?” Peter said, his eyes sliding over me.

  “We,” I said with a definitive nod. I wasn’t feeling that confidence entirely, but I was going with it for now. “So, should we…?”

  They moved as one towards the bedroom so that I walked in and saw every woman’s wet dream—two hot guys getting undressed for bed. I rested my shoulder on the door jamb as they stripped in that completely unselfconscious way men have. No worrying about cellulite for them! And why would they? They were bloody perfect.

  Both of them sensed my gaze at separate times, but they responded in the same way. They glanced up, then slowed what they were doing, either unbuttoning their shirts or sliding off jeans. Their eyes met mine, and what had been done a million times before since we moved in here became something else altogether—a performance.

  It wasn’t quite the theatrics of a male strip revue, but there were elements of it. A much quieter, more restrained show as fingers trailed over cloth, sliding it away from muscular bodies. As each bronzed inch revealed, my eyes flicked from one to the other to try and catch it all, but I didn’t need to, I realised. They were here for the near future at least, in no hurry to return back to home or wherever that was. For some reason, that made this easier, took some of the pressure off. Kade might not sleep through tonight, might need to come to bed with us for the next six months, but this would be here, waiting for me. As they were right now.

  Peter turned to pull a drawer open, pulling out some sleep shorts and tossing a pair to Aidan, then removed the last of his clothes with his back turned. My eyes ran over that powerful back, those firm glutes, right before they were hidden away by the clothing.

  Aidan showed no such shyness though. He waited until my eyes were on him to pull his jeans off, standing there for a moment completely naked, giving me time to take him all in.

  And there was a lot. His hand strayed close to his hard prick, as if to give it a few strokes, but he forced his hand to still. He just stood there and watched me check out every damn inch of him.

  I knew what he’d feel like going into me. Rick had been fairly inadequate in the dick department, though had made up for that with a talent for foreplay when he had a mind to, but I’d previously had boyfriends with a similar size. That stretching feeling that was a tiny bit scary, where you started to question if you’d bitten off more than you could chew, but then came that deep down sensation of satisfaction, of being filled, of having every sweet spot inside you stroked with his every push.

  I jumped when I felt a hand on my arm, something that drew snorts from both of them.

  “Flick…” Peter said, his hand going to my shirt button. He paused, waiting, staring at me with those deep brown eyes as I heard Aidan slide onto the bed. I couldn’t answer him, my mouth bone-dry, so I just nodded.

  With the same methodical, sensual pace of before, he undid my shirt and then pushed it off my shoulders, that flash of fear of such a large man standing over me coming and going as his fingers brushed against my skin. I was startled by what I felt down the bond and looked up at his face to check. That same lovely warmth spilled into me, but with it came something much, much hotter.

  He wanted me so fucking much. It raged like a torrent, slamming into me and tearing my breath away. My eyes jerked down, expecting to see him in a similar state of arousal, but he reached down and lifted my chin up, then slid the strap of my bra off my shoulder. The backs of his fingers grazed across my skin, sending a shiver through me. He paused, waited, then smiled when he seemed to sense it was pleasure rather than fear. Emboldened, that huge hand spread across my collarbone, his other one pushing the other strap down. For a moment, all I could hear was his breath and mine, coming faster, rougher, then his palm slid under the cup, covering my breast.

  “So beautiful…” he rasped, pausing, waiting for my breath to slow a bit before moving. I looked up, unable to believe the reverent tone in his voice. How could anyone say something like that about me? Tears welled in my eyes, because I couldn’t believe it, because I wanted to so much.

  “Flick,” he said, eyes searching my face, “I can stop.”

  I didn’t want him to, but I couldn’t work out how to say that. So I reached up, drawing his head down, and then brought his lips to mine.

  At first it was tentative, a brushing of lips, just getting a taste of each other. When I heard the rumble in his chest, I grew bolder, sucking his bottom lip into my mouth. His hand went to my hips, pulling me up against him, taking control of the kiss as he thrust his tongue inside my mouth.

  “Is this OK?”

  I drew away for a second at the feel of a single finger along my spine, and saw Aidan standing behind me. His fingers went to the clasp of my bra with a questioning look. I nodded, not able to say anything else, my chin tipped up and back to Peter as the garment fell between us. Then it was just my bare torso, sandwiched between the two of them. Aidan’s mouth rained kisses along my shoulders, his fingers trailing along my skin, but Peter, he swallowed me whole.

  When I pulled away, my head was spinning, my heart was pounding, and I wasn’t entirely sure if I could feel my face. I blinked, reeling a little with the hot rush of need that pulsed through me and down the bond with Peter. But it all felt a little out of control, as stuff was happening to me, rather than me doing what I wanted. I stepped clear of their hands, putting my own up for a moment as I caught my breath.

  You are safe. You’re in your room. The bed wasn’t made this morning. The carpet feels soft under my feet. My breath is really loud and raspy, and those guys… I scanned them quickly, not allowing my eyes to linger like I wanted them to. They made it really hard to do the mindfulness activity Ophelia had taught me. I just wanted to run my fingers over every solid inch…

  Just be in the moment, and play until the point it doesn’t feel good anymore.

  “Get on the bed,” I said.

  “Are you sure, Flick?” Peter said.

  “Maybe we should leave it at this right now,” Aidan said.

  "I know what I want right now, and it’s you two, on the bed, now.”

  My voice came out sharper than I’d intended, but I needed them to hear me. I was making a choice, exploring things, and they could either go along with it or tell me they weren’t keen, but I couldn’t live my life with them second guessing me all the time.

  They glanced at each other and then nodded, climbing onto the bed.

  I picked up Peter’s shirt, draping it over a door knob as I did the same, and stripped off my clothes. I didn’t look at them, unable to focus on their reactions right now. I was only naked for moments, before pulling on the shirt, the fabric’s weight welcome on my skin. Then I went to button it up and paused.

  They watched every damn move I made, including my momentary pause. I fastened one button and then left it at that, letting the fabric fall freely around me. It shifted as I climbed on the bed and sat back on my heels when I got halfway down. I saw Aidan swallow as he watched my shirt part around me.

  “We aren’t going to take things very far right now,” I said, “but talking to Ophelia made me realise—no…remember. I used to enjoy this kind of thing, being with a lover and exploring their bodies. When it wasn’t a chore or something imposed on me, when it wasn’t… When I had a choice. I want to exercise that choice right now. I want…I want to touch you, stroke you until it doesn’t feel good anymore, for me or you.”

  Aidan reclined back on the pillows, hands behind his head. He gave me a slow smile and said, “Babe, feel free, whenever and however you want. What about you, Pete?”

  He expected the same result, I could see that in the way he looked at the other man, but Peter wasn’t quite so open. He’d pulled a pillow over his legs by the time I’d gotten on the bed, and now we could both
see the tense set of his shoulders.

  I felt a pang at that. I knew it had nothing to do with me, as Ophelia had been working hard on me recognising that not everything bad that happened was my fault, but it felt like all that lovely desire I’d felt from him had dried up.

  Don’t be a mind reader, I told myself. Check in with him.

  I moved closer, taking his hand in mine, and when he didn’t pull away, I closed my eyes and tapped into our bond.

  He still wanted me, that came at me like a freight train, but something had him spooked. It couldn’t have been his body. It was a masterwork in big heavy muscle, and yet that pillow… He frowned, but rubbed his thumb across my knuckles.

  “Would you be more comfortable watching me touch Aidan?” I asked, proud of myself for keeping my voice even.

  “It’s not that…” Peter started to say.

  He used my hand to draw me closer, and Aidan rolled over on his side when I crawled towards them. Peter put my hand on his sternum, then slid it down to the pillow. “Let’s keep it above the waist.”

  I sat back on my heels, thinking about his suggestion, then nodded.

  "What about you, Aidan?” I asked.

  “No,” he said with a groan, then grinned. “Yes, goddammit. We said slow.” I reached out and placed my hand on his taut stomach, the cobblestone muscles popping out when I rubbed my palm on them. “Mmm…why does that feel so fucking good?”

  “Yeah?” I almost whispered, my voice dwindling away to nothing as I just felt that satin smooth skin, the rigid flesh.

  It’s OK, you’re OK, you’re safe, I told myself.

  And I was. That’s what they’d shown me, every day we’d been together so far. They didn’t push me or control me or hem me in. What was happening now was a perfect example of this. Peter might’ve been ambivalent about this, while Aidan was far from it, probably wanting some long needed relief, but they lay there like lazy lions, all that coiled strength put to one side to just let me have the freedom to get to know them on a physical level as well as friends.

  Aidan jumped when my nail scratched over his nipple, a long hiss coming with it. “Fuck…” he growled. “Grab it. Pinch it tight.”

  That earned him a warning rumble from Peter. I shot him a grateful look, glad he was there, making sure I wasn’t pushed, but I didn’t want them to feel like they couldn’t express an opinion around me.

  “You can ask,” I said to Aidan. “I just might not agree to what you want.”

  His nod was swift as I tightened my fingers around that small little nub.

  “Fuck,” he gasped. “I feel that in my cock. You sure about this no below the waist thing?”

  He said it with a laugh, groaning when I pulled away and turned to Peter. It was tempting to take it further, but we’d agreed.

  Be more stringent about boundaries. It’s not your job to please everyone, Ophelia had said. Try doing it in small ways in your life. Not taking tea if you don’t want it. Not agreeing to do things you don’t enjoy, then move onto bigger things.

  Aidan had smiled though, watching me move closer to the other man, and there was something entirely unselfish in his expression. He seemed to like to watch as much as being a participant. I shifted until I faced Peter, placing a hand on his knee and then moved in.

  He didn’t give much away, it was only the rapid flex of his stomach as his breath came faster that indicated how he might feel about this.

  Their reactions are theirs. Don’t mind read. Don’t spend all your energy being a detective. That’s not your responsibility and all part of the abuse—making you feel like things that are entirely the abuser’s decision are somehow your fault. You want to be considerate, that’s good. Do so by asking, touching base, checking in.

  I swallowed as I formed my words in my head, feeling the need to say them but finding it difficult to get them out. This felt so clunky and weird, but I forced my spine straight, looked Peter in the eye, and said, “Where do you like to be touched?”

  He surged forward, causing me to shrink back, but I caught myself before I ran. He took my hand, pulling me closer and closer, until I hung over him. He placed my palm over his heart, held in place by his, and said, “Here. I like it here.”

  Did that…? Was he…? I shook my head, trying to stop that train of thought. Stay in the moment, Flick. So I settled down beside him, replacing my hand with my head, resting it on his breastbone. I felt the tension leach out of him at that, as his arm went around me. I reached out, slowly and tentatively with my free hand, and placed it on his stomach, feeling the flesh jump at my touch. I glanced up at him, checking to see if he was OK, and was rewarded by a long, hot look. One that only intensified as my hand began to roam, but I watched him, not it. I saw the moment his eyes darkened, when his lips fell open, when a long shaking exhale hissed out. I felt the low rumble of pleasure vibrate all the way through my body as my hands moved.

  “Fuck, that’s hot.”

  I turned to see Aidan watching my every move, which led to me rolling towards him. I’d had a drunken threesome with a couple of guys back at uni, but this was a whole other deal. I felt that same old tension in my chest. How was I going to meet both their needs? When I was with one, I had to ignore the other. There was always going to be someone left out.

  “Hey,” Aidan said. “Stop worrying.” He pulled me so I lay flat on the bed and they rolled towards me. It was unnerving and reassuring all at once. They were like walls of muscle around me, ready to protect me from everything and anyone.

  “We want you to be happy, Flick,” Peter said. “You took a big step today, but I think we should stop things now. Let's just have this.”

  “Close your eyes,” Aidan said, watching me fight the suggestion before I gave in.

  Something snarly inside me just got wound up tighter as I did so, but then I felt them. It was both nonsexual and yet completely sensual. Together, they swept their hands up the outsides of my legs, nowhere near the sensitive inner thigh, even though with every pass, I wanted it more. Not when my thighs separated, falling limp and slack under their touch, much to Aidan’s amusement. Not when I felt myself grow slick. They just stroked me and stroked me, soothing my unruly nervous system, quietening my body and then my mind, until I fell asleep.

  It was one of the worst night’s sleeps I’d had since coming to Sanctuary, but when I woke up at some ridiculous hour, I couldn’t bring myself to care. I slept half naked, tangled in my men—because that’s what they were, I realised, for now at least. It might not work out, we might not be compatible as a…throuple? But I knew now I had the time to figure that out. I woke up a million times due to the entirely decadent feel of their hard bodies intertwined with mine, their unconscious shifts towards me, pulling me into their arms and burying their heads in my hair, as if breathing me in made them sleep better.

  Aidan groaned into my shoulder, shoving his groin into me so I could feel every inch of his considerable length before waking up.

  “So, it wasn’t a dream?” he asked in a groggy voice.

  “If it was, I still want to be asleep,” I replied.

  He moved so he could look over my shoulder at me, studied my face, then smiled.

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah,” Peter replied for me. “Morning,” he said before leaning over and kissing me.

  I’d meant to protest about morning breath or something, but that all faded away quickly. There was no hunger in this kiss for once. Instead, it was a leisurely sweet thing.

  “If this isn’t a dream, can this happen on a regular basis?” Aidan asked as he pulled me back against him, making sure I knew just how keen he was on that idea.

  “Aidan, don’t pressure her,” Peter said.

  “Why?” I asked with a smile. I leant back to offer my mouth to Aidan. “Maybe I want you guys drowning me in kisses throughout the day.”

  “Yeah?” He gave me at least one. “You’d be OK with that, us touching you when Kade’s around?”

  “In the
same way that mums and dads usually do? Well, yeah. I think it’d be good for him to see what healthy relationships look like. You guys have been great with checking in with me, making sure I’m still comfortable, and I have to keep practising putting up boundaries.”

  “Yeah?” Peter’s voice was husky when he slung a leg over, then rolled until he hung above me.

  “It’s OK,” Aidan said, rubbing my shoulder as he somehow sensed my pulse had gone from a steady thud to an out and out gallop. My eyes went wide, my breathing rapid, because Peter wasn’t a gentle giant anymore. He covered me with the shadow of his body, his smile just a slice of light in a dark visage. “You’re OK.”

  And I was. I felt the fear, since he looked somewhat sinister above me, but perhaps because part of my brain reassured me it was Peter, it created an exciting little sizzle of anticipation. Something that only increased as he dropped his head down.

  “You are OK, aren’t you…” came Aidan’s low purr. His hand slipped under the shirt, cupping my breast as his thumb brushed my nipple, making me gasp against Peter’s lips when they connected with mine, so that he swallowed the sound and then added to it with his own in the form of a throaty moan.

  “Muuum!”

  We jerked apart, eyes going to the open door, then one guy after the other rolled away from me, the blankets up as Peter leapt out of bed. He had his shorts off and his sweats on in seconds, which was impressive.

  “Hey, champ,” he said to Kade when he walked in. “You slept in your own bed last night? Good work.”

  Kade looked up at him for a moment, then nodded.

  “Mum, I’m hungry.”

  “Well, how do you feel about going down to the mess? We can catch up with the other kids and you can have—”

  Peter didn’t get to finish the sentence as my son completely transformed.

  “Can we? Alright! I’ll go and have a shower and brush my teeth right now!”

  “Wow,” I said, wriggling out from under the covers, a process Aidan seemed focussed on thwarting. I gave his shoulder a shove and then clambered out. “I need to start setting up play dates or something. He’s never that easy to get ready.”