Survivor Read online

  I would never forget the sounds. The crunch, the frantic wheeze of Kade’s throat as he fought to suck air in, the sodden thud of Rick’s body. A strange kind of silence settled over the house, punctuated only by my son’s noisy breaths, and then it came.

  His wail, pathetically broken and torn by what had been done to him, rushed into the quiet I’d created. I dropped to my knees, wrapped my arm around my son and held him close. I forced my eyes closed when I felt him struggle, lash out, all that adrenalin that had been pushing him to fight or flight unleashed on me. But I held him until he quieted, until his sobs joined mine.

  You need to run. They will not understand. You are not safe; the cub is not safe.

  I may have been having a psychotic break, talking to voices in my head, but in this case, they weren’t wrong. Blood matted sluggishly in my husband’s hair, something I shifted my body to protect my son from.

  “Baby,” I rasped, my voice destroyed, “I need you to run into the bedroom and pack some clothes and whatever else you want to take.”

  He looked up through a mask of tears, finally seeing me. He wasn’t ready for this. Kade needed time to heal, to calm down, to be hugged and given all the comfort he deserved, but right now, all I could feel was that need to run beating down on me.

  “Can you do that for me?”

  He nodded, trying to reply but not able to. I rubbed my thumb against his cheek, the pad slipping in the tracks of his tears, and then we both got up.

  I waited until Kade disappeared down the hall before I rose to my feet.

  I looked down at my husband like he was a side of meat, analysing the awkward fall of his body, the seep of blood slowly staining the carpet. I reached down, my hand hovering for a moment before I touched his cooling flesh. It was a struggle to find his pulse initially, then I pressed down harder. There—faint, sluggish, irregular.

  We finish the kill.

  The ashtray felt heavy now in my hand, a millstone dragging me down.

  He was going to kill you and the cub. We keep the cub safe.

  I hefted it in my hand, feeling it, the way gravity had it dropping hard against my palm.

  We keep the cub safe, the beast insisted.

  And in a final act of madness, a great shadowy black wolf appeared, standing by the man’s head, its eyes gleaming bright green. It stared at me, and I stared back.

  We finish the kill.

  “Mum?”

  I blinked, glancing around me wildly when I realised I was in the car, the engine rumbling. I turned and looked over my shoulder, saw that Kade had his seat belt and a few bags full of stuff next to him.

  “You OK, baby?”

  He nodded, the sharp tilt of his chin, the shine in his eyes making clear what he was holding back.

  We take the cub somewhere safe, then he can heal.

  And where the fuck is that? I thought, my heart racing. I saw several flecks of blood on my fingers that I hadn’t remembered being there before.

  I know. Sanctuary.

  2

  “Mum, can I have a drink?”

  Kade sounded as querulous as a much younger child.

  “Sure, baby. What’s up?”

  “My head hurts.”

  I almost took my foot off the accelerator at that, realising what I was doing and indicating before pulling over on the verge.

  I’d packed a lot of stuff without remembering moving it, including Rick’s wallet. We’d hit one of the petrol stations on the way to wherever we were going, and I’d cleared out the family accounts, filled the car full of fuel, and got some supplies. Kade stayed in the car, but the guy behind the counter took in the bruises and blood on my face with just a nod, giving me back my change. I’d gone to the bathrooms there, cleaned my face as best I could, and dumped the wallet in the rubbish bin. There was a sharp pain in my nose that had never been there before that stopped me from doing too much, and then I’d gotten back into the car. I rustled around in my bag now, pulling out some children’s paracetamol and handing it to Kade along with a juice.

  Keep Kade safe. Keep Kade safe. Keep Kade safe. The need pulsed with the beat of my heart.

  “Try this, love. It’ll make you feel better.”

  “OK, Mum.” He bent over like an old man, taking the stuff from me, and I watched him swallow the medication. “I think I’m going to sleep. I feel really, really tired.”

  “Sure, love.” I smiled, trying to hide the spike of fear that ripped through me. Was he more severely hurt? Could he have a concussion? I didn’t remember him hitting his head, but it was all such a fucking jumble. Rick’s fists swinging in a flurry of blows, Kade screaming for him to stop, Rick’s hands around my throat, then Kade’s… I should Google it, shouldn’t I? See what the symptoms are, to be on the lookout?

  Soon. Sanctuary. Healers are in Sanctuary.

  I shook my head, the sore muscles in my neck immediately protesting. I couldn’t afford to touch that right now. We weren’t there yet. I turned on the indicator and steered the car back onto the road, following the instinct that thrummed inside me like a beacon out into the darkness.

  We’d been on the road for five hours when the rattle started. I’d done everything right, checked the tyres, the air pressure, topped up the radiator, made sure we had a full tank of fuel, but the noise from the engine still came. It was a blessing in a way, shaking me out of the slit-eyed daze I had been in. It was all dark shapes out here, the only light coming from my headlights and the stain starting to form on the horizon. My eyes snapped open, glancing at the fuel gauge, then the temperature one. Hot panic swamped over me when I saw how much higher the needle had jumped.

  As I didn’t drive the piece of shit car often, I had no idea if this was just what it did or something brought on by hours of solid driving. I pulled over again, on a flat of bare earth, and killed the engine. I’d gone down several roads, taking lefts and rights almost at random, not knowing where I was going but trusting that burning impulse. One that deserted me now. I looked around at the seamless blackness and wondered where the hell we were.

  “Mum…?” Kade was groggy, sitting up and blinking before asking, “Where are we?”

  “I’m not sure, love.”

  “I need a drink, and my head still hurts.”

  I busied myself finding him a bottle of juice, then pulled out my phone. I stared at the screen. I should ring someone, anyone, but who? And what would I say? Come and get me from…? Had I gone past any road signs lately? The need to run still throbbed within me, but to where? If I was going to listen to mental delusions, they could have at least had the decency to stick around. I looked back at Kade, who was drinking, and took in his slender limbs, his vulnerable little body. My eyes flicked out to the dark around us. For a moment, I could have sworn I saw the blink of two bright green lights, but as I searched, all I saw was blackness.

  I didn’t get a chance to ponder that as Kade clambered into the front seat once he’d finished his drink, folding his body up into a small ball on my lap. My hands instantly went to his back, his hair. I hunched my frame around his, the urge to shield him strong.

  “Are we lost?”

  His voice was thin, low, hoarse, as if he was afraid to ask, afraid of the answer.

  “I’ll work it out, baby.”

  He just stared out the window for a moment, looking over my shoulder, and then he began to cry.

  These were the tears that should have come beforehand, ones he’d been too scared to let out. Crying just led to more violence, as if showing any evidence of the pain Rick caused had to be exterminated by him. In some ways, this was worse than watching him brutalise our son—seeing my little boy’s eyes go wide, catching every moment as his heart began to break. I stroked his hair as he buried his head against me, sobbing and sobbing and sobbing.

  My eyes felt like they swam in a sea of acid. All my tears had been scoured away, leaving only burning sockets and an aching heart.

  “Why, Mum! Why would he—?”

&nb
sp; Because you fucked up. Because you hadn’t the guts to walk away and protect your child until it was too late. Because you’ve hurt him just as much as his father did. Because you failed him, failed yourself, failed everything.

  We protect the cub, came the growl. Nothing else matters.

  “Why wo-wo-wo-uld he—?” His voice kept catching on the words, the misery stopping him from forming them. I knew what he asked, knew what he wanted to know, but I had no legitimate reasons to give him. Well, none that were fit to share with a young kid.

  My answers curled up, black and spiky, in the pit of my belly. They would rip me in two coming out, and then once free, they’d tear into him. So instead, I held him tight against my aching body and rocked him.

  You learn something about yourself you never wanted to know when an intimate partner hurts you. You lose that happy, White Ribbon-ed delusion that you had too much pride or self-esteem to stick around if a loved one hit you, that you’d be straight onto the police. That first fist smacking into the side of your face was a wake-up call, a slow, painful reveal of the real me. The me that had been systematically separated from family and friends for this amazing relationship, tied tighter and tighter to him until he had me just where he wanted me.

  “Why, Mum?” Kade wailed into my sodden chest. “Why?”

  “I don’t know, love.”

  How long did we sit there? I wasn’t sure. The sky grew lighter, the temperature gauge dropped, and the desolate landscape slowly emerged. It was flat, windy, and the only vegetation was a scrubby low-lying bush so grey-green in colour, it looked almost dead. This was no place to break down. I needn’t have worried about who to call, as there was no reception out here. I tossed my phone on the passenger seat, Kade jumping at the movement. When he pulled his face away from my chest, his skin was red and blotchy, eyes swollen.

  “What are we doing out here?” he asked, finally taking it all in.

  “I…just need to cool down the car, maybe get a bit of sleep.”

  He studied my face, reaching out gingerly to twist it so he could see the damage more clearly.

  “OK.”

  With that, he moved into the passenger seat, setting himself up with a drink, a muesli bar, and his Nintendo DS, though his eyes seemed to be more on the plains around us than his game. I wound my chair back, turning on my side, and watched him.

  As I lay there, feeling the chill on my skin and smelling the closed in, stale stink of the car, I listened to the wind wail and tried not to join in with it. Despite the ache in my face and throat, the huge pressure in my nose, I found myself drifting off a little. It was the quiet. We might be about to die in some semi-arid wasteland, but there was no one coming for me, no one likely to break down my door. The ever-present greyness I carried within me rose up, smothering me like smoke until it all fell away.

  3

  They’re here.

  Knock-knock!

  My head jerked up from the car seat, and I looked wildly about me. The first thing I saw was my son cringing back as far as he could go, the second was the biggest man I’d ever seen.

  “Fuck!” I yelped as he peered inside the windshield, his brows creasing when he got a look at us. I slammed my hand down on the door lock, frantically doing the same with Kade’s and the back seats. Another man, not as big, approached my door, stopping for a moment, his hazel eyes widening. He had longish dirty blond hair tucked behind his ears and a serious beard going. I saw them look at each other, and some sort of secret men’s business passed between them before bearded dude walked closer and made a gesture to wind down the window.

  “Mum, who are these men?” Kade’s voice was a reedy waver, his body curled tight.

  Fear, like a moth in a jar inside my chest, fluttered faster, harder, wanting to get out, but I squashed that down. Somehow, I managed to keep my voice clear and even when I replied.

  This is them. This is Sanctuary.

  You’ve lead us to a couple of random truckers? As mental collapses go, this is pretty shit.

  This is who we need.

  My mouth filled with a weird acid taste, a little like bile, but I didn’t feel the need to throw up. I hurt everywhere in every way, but thankfully, I wasn’t nauseous.

  “Not sure, baby. I’m going to open the window a crack and see if they can help us.”

  “Are you sure it’s safe?”

  “Of course, love,” I lied. “Who would want to hurt us?”

  I wound the window down a little, just enough to let the whipping wind from outside in. I looked them over for…what? Signs that they were good people? That there was no blood on their knuckles, no weapons, no booze? I wished men were like those poison frogs, advertising their threat.

  “Yes?” I said to the bearded man who had placed his hands on either side of the driver’s seat window.

  “You alright out here, love? This is a shit of a place to break down.”

  I didn’t want to answer. I wanted them to go the fuck away, even though as I looked out at the landscape we’d broken down in, there were no other more acceptable sources of help. It was just flat empty scrub as far as the eye could see. But because I was a woman, the social pressure to respond pressed down hard on me and the words came out.

  “The car, it started making some funny noises and overheating. We’ve just been trying to cool it—”

  The larger man moved in, shoving his mate out of the way. His brown eyes stared into mine, only shifting slightly to catalogue every damn mark Rick had left. He was huge, should have been terrifying, with his brows jerked down, his jaw working as he saw all of me.

  Him. He is pack. Get out of the car.

  Are you fucking insane?! These guys could be mass murdering, rapist, sex traffickers.

  He is pack. Go to your mate.

  The bile flooded my mouth, burning my tongue, making my teeth ache. My hand went to the door handle without me even consciously doing so. I watched in horror as I undid the lock and opened it.

  What are you doing? I shrieked, feeling myself step out of the car. Stop!

  “Mum?” Kade said, his voice high and thready.

  “It’s OK, love,” someone said with my voice, my mouth. “Everything will be OK now.”

  “Whoa,” the blond-haired man said when I stumbled, reaching out to catch me but backing off when I recovered. I found my eyes taking in the broad breadth of his chest, those muscular arms, those narrow hips. He was pleasing, had an open, giving manner, and obviously had a bond with the other man. He was worth considering.

  But it wasn’t him my mouth, my teeth ached for. I took slow, dragging steps towards the bigger man, his head cocking to the side as he watched me, frowns coming and going, his eyes shifting from deep brown to bright green as I did. His face transformed as I reached for him.

  His expression was so alien, I had no idea how to unpack it initially. He caught me with those massive arms, stared into my eyes with ones that burned and saw everything. Had anyone looked at me like this? Like I was the most perfect thing in the world? Like he could see through the fucking roadmap of abuse that was my face to who I was beneath it? How? my human brain balked. How could this be possible? We haven’t spoken a word to each other.

  “By the fucking Goddess…” the other man hissed. “Pete, mate, don’t—”

  The other man didn’t get to intervene, as the larger man did something I would never have thought possible. He tilted his head away, baring that muscular column of a neck in a perfect picture of surrender. This moved him somehow. I could feel the tremble in his hands, the rapid pant of his breath as I moved closer. My lips peeled tentatively back from my teeth, something that had him breathing out, “Yes…yes…”

  This is it. This is Sanctuary, I was told one last time before lashing out, digging my teeth into his rigid muscle and clamping down.

  My mouth burned, poisonous saliva spilling from fuck knows where and onto his skin. His arms snapped around me, digging into ribs, muscles that were bruised and battered, but som
ehow, I leant into the pain. An explosion of energy washed over the both of us, the fiery burn of my venom spreading through our bodies, then tearing reality away.

  I was seen then, perfectly and completely. All the many, many indignities I’d suffered were catalogued and mourned, all my pain weighed and added to a list of injustices to seek retribution for. My beautiful boy, from the moment he was born to the usually chirpy little nine-year-old he was now, was represented in a million flickering memories. Everything that made me who I was, was soaked up and held in the gentlest of embraces.

  This is pack, the beast inside me said in her gentlest of tones.

  But that wasn’t the strangest thing. I saw a great big pair of green eyes watching me, and with them came a tremendous feeling of love from beyond both of us. Of being held when you hurt, of being seen and cared for, and an immense feeling of empathy. I found my breath catching in my chest as it rolled over me, so intense, so complete was the feeling. You’ll hurt no more, she said, whoever the eyes belonged to. You’ll see.

  I came to only briefly and felt the wind on my face, drying my tears almost as soon as they had formed.

  “Protect the cub,” I said, my words little more than a slur before the smoke inside me swallowed me down.

  4

  We ran along a plain at dawn.

  My paws slammed into the ground with each step, the powerful muscles in my haunches powering me forward. As did his. I looked over at the massive black wolf, the shine of his bright green eyes tugging me forward. We ran for the sheer joy of running, the sun rising and sending out rosy fingers of light as we went. Something lightened inside me as I felt the sun on my fur.