Not My Fantasy Read online

  “Are you alright?” Natty asked hesitantly.

  “What happened?” I asked, looking up at him. “To Tess, I mean. Obviously, you saw her, but where? How?”

  “I saw her come through the door. I live in a place off of the alley that the portal opens on to. It was hard to miss her; she was walking around, stumbling over boxes and bins, trying to take everything in. I had a pot of rice boiling, so I turned the cooker off and went to go and see if she was alright. When I came out, she’d made it to the main road and one of Gump’s boys, Daffer, who works the corner, was talking to her. I couldn’t walk right up to her, not with Daffer and his boys all there, so I followed them. They took her in their dog cart up to the Golden Monkey.” I looked at him blankly. “It’s a pub that serves as Gump’s headquarters. When I came in, Gump had her sitting by the fire, talking with some of the Imperial Guard boys.”

  Gump, Daffer, Imperial Guard, my brain struggled to put it together, but I wasn’t getting far. I looked Natty over, his big brown eyes and his slitted leathery nose. Was Gump like him, covered in a light-brown coat of fur? Or was he something else? For a moment my mind flicked through progressively more disturbing combinations of human/animal hybrids. I could see my sister leaning in closer to some crocodile-jawed thing with a gleam in its eyes. . . . “What is Gump? And the Imperial Guard? I’ve never seen anyone outside of a sci-fi movie that looks anything like you before, so break it down for me, Natty.”

  His eyes widened, then narrowed, as if he found this difficult to believe. “Gump’s . . . the head man in town. He looks like me, I guess, but much, much bigger. When the Imperium fell after the Emperor was cursed, they set up a democratic government, but it doesn’t do much. Gump’s the real power in town.”

  “So, he’s like the mafia or something.”

  “What’s a mafia?”

  “This is harder than I thought. Um . . . does he like, run an organised crime ring? Y’know, whacking people who get in your way?”

  “He hits people, yeah, but not just when they are in his way. He sends the boys around to anyone who doesn’t pay him protection money, or starts mouthing off about him. There are hundreds, maybe thousands of blokes working for him. He’s got his own bloody army.”

  “OK, I think I know what we’re dealing with. So, how do we get my sister back?”

  “Make him think it’ll be too expensive not to. It’s all about the money with him. If it’s profitable to sell your sister, he will. If it’s not, he won’t.”

  Right, money and lots of it. I looked around the shop, then got up out of my seat and tried more floorboards. We’d found one gold stash that way; maybe there was another. “Go and have a look in the shop out the front,” I said to Natty. “Look over the stock on this side, see if there’s anything Gump’d think was valuable.”

  I probably shouldn’t let a 6’3” furry with big bunny ears walk around in clear view of the street but right now, not freaking out early morning joggers wasn’t high on my priority list. God knew where Gabe was going to get gold from at this time of night; I couldn’t rely on him.

  “What the fuck is that!”

  I looked up, bleary-eyed, to see Flea standing in the doorway of the storeroom as Natty and I sorted through piles of magical supplies that may be worth bartering for my sister. Of course, there were some things Gump really wanted, like cockatrice feet, but ours had all mouldered away to a dank smelling grey powder that was apparently useless. “Hey, Flea,” I said.

  “Um, I’m Natty.”

  “So, she was serious,” Flea said, looking over the supplies spread over the table and Natty, wide-eyed. “She wasn’t just drunk. You have a portal to outer space in the shop.”

  “Not outer space. Alternative dimensions? I’m not sure; I’ll have to ask Merlin next time I see him.”

  “So, that’s true, too? That guy with the eyes–”

  “Was Merlin? Yep.”

  Flea came closer, raking his fingers through his fine, dark hair, messing with it until it stood up all over his head. He paced back and forth, Natty and I just watching him move. “She . . . she came home with me last night.”

  “Yeah? As in . . .?” Flea nodded. “She hasn’t done that in a while.”

  “She talked about this place, about what she was going to do. I thought she was just some trippy magic chick who believed in fairies or something. Shit, they’re probably real, too, huh?”

  “In some dimension, I’m sure they are,” I said.

  “Anyway, we had mad sex, like seriously, the kind of sex you have when you know the end of the world is coming.”

  “So don’t need to know the details.”

  “Like you’ll never have sex again. Like every position.”

  “Dude, get to the fucking point.”

  “Oh yeah, and then when I woke up, she was gone. Left me a note to say she was going through the portal.”

  “Yeah, we got one, too,” I said. It occurred to me then that my note was about the same length as the one Tess wrote for her one night stand. I sank back into the chair, the weight of last night’s drinks, lack of sleep and stress all of a sudden pushing me down like a big hand. I rubbed at my eyes; they ached with unshed tears. I was afraid to take my hand away in case they all came tumbling out.

  24

  Gabe burst in the back, taking one look at me and letting out a big sigh of relief. “You’re still here. Good. Look I had to do a bit of dodgy stuff and the guys are gonna kill me, but I’ve got drugs, I’ve got gold, I’ve got guns . . .” Natty glanced inside the two large duffel bags, his eyes going wide. “This here is a replica World War II bayonet. Only one of a thousand made. . . .”

  “Thank you,” I said getting to my feet, “seriously, thank you for this, Gabe, but I waited, so we need to go, now.”

  “I bought over a couple of bikes from the shop on a trailer. I’ll wheel them in and we’ll go, love, wherever this bloke reckons we need to. Natty, you ever ride a motorbike?”

  “A what?”

  “I’m coming,” Flea said. “You can ride pillion with me.”

  I watched dully as Gabe went to bring one of the bikes through the front of the shop.

  “So, what is a motorbike?” Natty asked.

  “Do you know what a bike is?” Flea said.

  “No.”

  “It’s something you ride, has two wheels, no? Don’t have anything like this in your world?”

  “No, don't think so. Is it like a carriage?”

  “In a way, except it doesn't need a horse to pull it.”

  “This is a motorbike,” Gabe said, wheeling his example through the doorway and then kicked it over, the loud rumble echoing down the street. Natty’s eyes went wide and shining.

  “That looks incredible!”

  And so a very tired me and a very excited Natty ended up on the backs of the bikes, tearing through the streets of an alien city, looking for my sister. The buildings flashed by as we rode, I should have looked, this was my first glimpse of another world, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. Instead, a cold hard lump began to form in my guts as we drew nearer. Tess didn't want to be found. It was a hard truth to face, but it had to be true. She’d planned this for weeks in advance. Every day, she’d come to work and chat, worry, and brainstorm with me about how to keep the shop going, then she had trained with Merlin. As soon as he came on the scene, the idea had been planted, irrespective of what I thought. I tightened my arms around Gabe as he took the corner fast, the bike seeming to be about to meet the road. No, she’d known exactly what I thought and had ignored it anyway.

  I came back to myself when the bikes slowed, Natty gesturing to a tavern that looked like it was made from genuine wattle and daub. ‘The Golden Monkey’ it was called, the name painstakingly lettered on a wooden sign, accompanied by a crude drawing that looked frighteningly similar to a naked man.

  “Woo!” Natty said, clambering off the back of the bike, “that was amazing!”

  “Good to hear, kid,” Gabe sa
id, unbuckling the flap on one of the saddlebags and starting to pull stuff out. My eyes widened as I saw a gun, a knife, another bigger knife, another gun and more weapons emerge. Gabe handed several to Flea, who took them and placed them in his waistband, boot and other places like he did this all the time.

  “Is this wise?” I asked.

  “This Gump, he might have more fur and longer ears than the guys at home, but his kind I’ve dealt with plenty of times. Walking in like a babe in the woods is a mistake. We need a show of force because that’s what we’ll get in return. You ready?” Flea nodded.

  I turned to Natty, “What do you think?” His ears flattened against his skull and he raked his claw through his fur. “Natty? You don’t have to come in if you don’t want to.”

  “Maybe I should stay out here and look after the bikes. We don’t want anyone taking them.”

  “Won’t get far without the keys but sure,” Gabe said. “So, how will I know which one is Gump?”

  “You won’t be able to miss him,” Natty said, taking a few steps back towards the bike.

  Gabe and Flea shrugged and started to amble towards the door. “Guys,” I said, “don’t we need a plan?”

  “Got a plan,” Flea said. “Don’t walk in there like meat, or that's how you’ll be treated. This doesn’t look a realm with gunpowder yet, so we’ll be at a distinct advantage here.”

  “There are AKs in the bag,” Gabe said, “but I think the handguns should be sufficient.”

  Flea considered this, “Yeah . . . but nothing beats a rifle for showy. We could have Tess in and out, no mess no fuss.”

  “Yeah, alright.” I watched them dumbly as they went back to the bikes, pulling out what looked like to me were machine guns. It was then I realised how little I knew the guys, particularly the one I’d slept beside for the past few weeks. He could produce a bag full of guns at short notice, which had among them semi-automatic rifles? I shook my head, trying to ignore the practised way Gabe slung the gun across his chest. I was here to get Tess back; that was what mattered. “Stay behind me,” Gabe said.

  Walking in was a weird experience. Heads swivelled to take us in, though they looked considerably different from what we were used to. Next to the door was a table full of deer-like people, their ears swivelling and big brown eyes widening to take us in. I saw a few leathery brown noses flare as if to scent us, not saying a word, just taking us in with big limpid eyes. Evidently, we weren’t that interesting, as they moved back to drinking from tall rough earthen tankards clasped in long spindly hands, their conversation starting up again. I looked around and saw a homely-looking tavern.

  Oil lamps were hung from the walls and placed on each table; a great cartwheel candelabra strung from the ceiling. Everything was cast in a warm golden light, though it didn’t make the place look any less weird. The interior was largely coarse brick and heavy wooden timber with massive exposed beams. The place smelled like smoke, beer and the meat cooking on a spit on the fire to the left-hand side of the room. We walked past a group of red and silver-pelted patrons in a large table in the centre, playing cards. They had long wolfish snouts and thickly-furred triangular ears. A few pairs of yellow eyes looked up for a moment as we passed, then fell back to the cards. A female server with black-flecked fur and an impressive tail wove her way through the tables, toting a tray with a cluster of tankards on it. “Where would I find Gump?” Gabe asked.

  “And what would a monkey want with the big man?” she replied.

  “He has something of ours,” Flea said, stepping closer.

  “Not yours anymore then, is it?”

  “Why don’t you let us sort that out with Gump and then we’ll see what’s what?”

  She looked us up and down coolly, then shrugged and pointed a clawed finger to a cluster of chairs by the fire, leaving with a swish of her tail and a smirk, sharp white teeth showing. My heart seemed to have jumped up into my throat, but the men moved in a series of confident precise movements. Flea pulled the gun from the back of his waistband and Gabe rested his hand on the butt of his, tucked in front. People moved their chairs in as one, making it easy to walk towards the fire. I looked from furry dog-looking people to cat, goat and rabbit-looking people, but no one met my gaze. I followed the guys until they came to two big green-velvet wingback chairs sitting by the fire.

  “You Gump?”

  Gump was not what I expected. He was furry like everyone else here, with thick, lustrous, red fur like a fox’s, he had the same kind of long sharp muzzle as the creatures playing cards, his ears were covered in dark-brown velvet. With all the hoopla, I’d thought he’d be big and imposing, like a Rottweiler. The man . . . animal in question turned around, a sly smile spreading across his face. “I thought our meat order came in two days ago, Cage?”

  The furry guy sitting opposite him instantly stiffened, hand going to hilt of his sword.

  “Uh, uh, uh,” Flea said, aiming the gun at him, “hands on your head, mate.”

  “And what’s that bit of shiny you have there?” Without a blink, Flea raised the handgun and shot a hole in the ceiling of the pub. I watched in satisfaction as both of them flinched back under the shower of plaster. Their eyes went wild, the whites clear around each yellow pupil, mouth drawn back in snarls.

  “What in the blue blazes? What’s a monkey doing with a bit of tech like that?” Gump snapped, his claws extending and burying themselves in the arm of his chair. I heard the sound of several chairs being pulled out, but Gump waved his supporters back, eyes still on Flea.

  “Looking for a girl,” Flea said, gun in hand now. “Just like us, brown hair and blue eyes.” Cage had been glowering at Gabe the whole time, but now his fingers wrapped around the hilt of his sword tightly, and his eyes dropped.

  “Tess? Yes, she was quite lovely. Didn’t feel the need to punch holes in my ceiling.”

  “And we won’t find a reason to punch holes in you if you hand her over,” Flea said.

  “Quite. Cage, find these lovely people a seat, will you, and have Felicia bring over some drinks?”

  “We’re not here to socialise,” Flea ground out.

  Gump’s eyes flicked up and hardened. I swear, in a moment, every muscle in his body grew still. Slowly he opened his mouth wide enough to show us an impressive array of sharp teeth. “I understand you are not from this world, but the refusal of hospitality is seen to be a grave insult here. Now, here’s Cage with some chairs. Take a seat.”

  Gabe took the wingback, lounging indolently against the back, gun rested casually on his leg, almost accidentally aimed at Gump. We were passed two wooden dining chairs and sat down, Cage now taking up position at Gump’s right-hand side. “We’re sitting, now talk.”

  “I’m happy to talk, for a price.”

  “How about you walk away from this conversation without extra holes in your head?” Flea suggested.

  “Kill me, and you won’t find out what happened to your friend.”

  “What do you want?” Gabe asked with a sigh.

  “Some of those boom things would be nice.”

  “Gabe . . .,” I said. We needed to get Tess back, but dumping guns on a pre-industrial society?

  “Two pistols,” Gabe said, holding one up.

  “Done. Tess is not here. She’s taken a position with the former Crown Prince of our beloved country. I was paid quite the handsome finder’s fee.”

  “Former Crown Prince?” I said. “Who and what is he, and where can we find him?”

  “Before the revolution, he was heir to the throne. Now he holes up in an old manor home with a large entourage to meet his needs. After his parents were executed, he surrendered to the provisional government and hammered out a deal. A former court magician cursed him and sent him on his way, to make sure he doesn’t try and make a play for the crown again.”

  “Cursed? You sent my sister to some guy with a curse?”

  “His form was changed from a pleasing one . . .” Gump ran fingers through his chest fur,
“to the unpleasant one you monkeys sport. His curse is that he must find someone to love him in his monstrous shape or be forced to live in an inferior body that would never be accepted, even by the most ardent royalist. His men have come to me regularly to try and find someone who may fit the bill; this girl was one of the few monkeys I’d seen that might.”

  “You sold my sister to this man!”

  “Not at all, it was merely a finder’s fee. When I spoke of His Highness’s plight, your sister, was it?” I nodded. “She was quite moved and volunteered her services.”

  I slumped in my chair. I’d hoped that this was a matter of a dodgy character forcing Tess into a situation that we could ride in to save her from. That she’d chosen this?

  “This manor, is it like a huge house?”

  “Yes, I believe that is implied in the word manor.”

  “And how long does he have to try and get her to fall in love with him?”

  “As long as it takes.”

  A growing feeling of desperation grew within my chest. “And does this place have access to an extensive library or something?”

  Gump’s furry face grew quizzical, “Like all houses of significance, it has a conduit to the Celestial Record.”

  “And what’s that when it’s at home?” Flea said.

  “Access to the written records of all cultures in every realm. You pay a subscription fee and then can borrow what you like through your designated librarian.”

  “Fuck!” I snapped, snapping to my feet. I kicked the stool away from me, Cage’s hand whipping to his sword’s hilt, Gabe and Flea jerking their guns up to aim at him in response. “This is Beauty and the fucking Beast. She’ll think that there will be singing clocks and shit and true love’s kiss. God fucking damn this fairy-tale bullshit! So, Gump, what happens if she doesn’t fall in love with him?”

  Gump’s eyes glittered as his mouth opened into a wide smile, the candlelight dancing along his carnivore’s teeth. He pulled a short knife from his belt, the guys stiffening, but he held out his leathery palms in truce. Slowly, so as to allay our fears, he bent over to the fire, to the carcass being roasted there and sliced off a chunk. It was then that I noticed it wasn’t beef or lamb or pork. The arms and legs on the red, well-basted surface were long and muscular, like a human's. He gobbled the meat up with an awful slobbering sound. “I imagine he’ll do as he always has and eat her right up.”